My Soup is too Hot

I was once called over to a customer’s table and berated because her soup was too hot. After explaining to her that by law soup has to be boiled before it is served, she still insisted that I take it away and bring her a bowl to her temperature specifications. So I walked the soup back to the kitchen, sat with it for 2 minutes while it cooled down and then walked it back to the customer’s table. She tried it and pronounced it perfect...

In my long, inglorious waitressing career I’ve met many fine and interesting people. I’ve also met some of the rudest and most demanding. To see some good come of my vast experience, I’ve devised a rough etiquette guide to educate people about what is and most definitely isn’t acceptable restaurant behaviour.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of things that you should never do in a restaurant/cafe/bar:

1. Order Off Menu
Unless you are a blood relative of the chef, you should never order off menu. It’s not clever or cool. Nobody will think you are special. We are not hiding the good stuff from you. This goes for adding ingredients to what is listed on the menu. Kitchens only order what they plan to use in their dishes (you know, the ones listed on the menu), so even if you feel like banana with your pane cotta, it may not be available. I realise this may come as a shock to some customers.

Even if the extra ingredient is available, you can’t just have it without paying for it. There is rarely anything just hanging around in a kitchen. Everything in a dish is portioned and priced; therefore it’s not easy to add something without it increasing the price. Conversely, removing something does not automatically lower the price as the kitchen will still have ordered the tomato for your roast vegetable Panini even if you don’t want to eat it. For this I am eternally sorry but what can I say, capitalism is a bitch.

2. Let your Children Run Wild
I understand that you think your child is better than all others but trust me, they’re not that special. I’m all for bringing children to restaurants BUT only if they are well behaved. It’s a restaurant not a playground and I’m a waitress not a babysitter. I’ve had children make repeated attempts to run out the front door straight onto a busy road while their parents chatted away seemingly oblivious. It shouldn’t be my responsibility to stop little Jack and Isabella from getting squashed by a passing truck. I’ve had kids use tomato sauce to draw pictures on the window, without their parents either stopping them or attempting to clean it up. I regularly have children running in and out of tables, irritating other customers and creating a minefield for staff. Generally restaurant plates are hot, heavy and awkward. If you are ok with one of these plates or a hot coffee to be dropped on little Rocco’s head, then by all means don’t stop him from running amok. However, if you are the sort of person who is likely to complain when this inevitably occurs, how about keeping him in his seat?!

3. Complain Incessantly
I’m sorry we enforce the smoking law/don’t serve coffee without a food purchase/don’t have enough high chairs but that’s the way it is. If this is really going to bother you, please feel free to go somewhere else. Please don’t try to get into a full on debate with me about the merits or this policy. I am way too far down the pay scale to make any changes, we can’t alter the policy just for you and besides, I like the fact I no longer have to work in a cigarette smoke haze. By all means demand to speak to the manager but chances are it’s probably company policy and the manager will tell you the exact same thing anyway.

If there is something really wrong with your meal (eg. A hair, band aid, still frozen etc) no one is going to mind you politely bringing it to our attention. However, you are not entitled to a free meal just because you don’t like what you’ve ordered, think the portion is too big/small or have changed your mind. Once it’s sitting in front of you, unless it’s so raw it gets up and walks away, consider it yours.

4. Do a Runner
It’s hard to believe that anyone actually does this on purpose but they do. In all the restaurants I’ve worked in any discrepancy in the days takings is made up from the tips jar. Therefore, when you do a runner, it isn’t the super rich restaurant operators who gets stung but the minimum wage earning staff. And believe me, it’s not fun to watch the whole shifts worth of tips disappear to cover some twit’s idea of a good joke. This also applies to stealing the cutlery/pepper grinders/sugar bowls.

5. Yell at, Swear at, Threaten or Grope Waiting Staff
It happens more often than you think. It’s scary and totally not ok.

6. Click Fingers or Wave Credit Card
It’s just plain rude. It’s not that hard to attract attention and if you’re really in a hurry you can always pay at the till.

7. Forget your Manners
It’s not that much to ask you to say please and thank you. This also applies to children. It is not cute in any way to have a child demand something from waiting staff. If it is old enough to speak, it’s old enough to say please and thank you.

8. Forget to Tip
Unless you received truly appalling service, you should always tip any time you eat a meal out. Making a living on the minimum wage is not easy, especially if you are a student and can only work limited hours. On any bill over $20 you should tip a minimum of 10%. Leaving $1 or $2 on a bill of over $50 is totally unacceptable. A bill of $50 or over implies that you are either a big party or have had several courses. Either way this would have required a certain amount of time and service and while tipping should never be mandatory, it is definitely the polite/customary thing to do.

By passing on these helpful hints, I aim to do my bit to aid the world wide waitressing fraternity - May their customers always be gracious, their bosses always honest and their chefs always sober.